Huh?

I can't keep my mind on the ball. I am always off in some far away land or 'zoned out' as Liv is fond of saying. I overfill the bathtub causing a flood in the spare bedroom downstairs. I call people the wrong names. I book two important appointments at the same time on the same day. I can't remember my phone number. I can't remember if I fed the dogs today, yesterday or two days ago. It's lucky that my kids can tell me when they're hungry, I guess. Please come back brain, I miss you too.
My one good thing today came in the form of an insect. I was making toast this morning and it dropped from somewhere above me onto the counter. We all sat and looked at it for a long time. Liv counted its' spots and declared that this was how you tell the age of a ladybug. After a little while, she told me that the ladybug was a 'present from daddy'. There were ladybugs all over the church on the day of Jeff's funeral and one clung to Liv's funeral program for a good fifteen minutes. They will always remind me of that day now but to Liv they remind her of her daddy....and that is good. I just wish it was a more positive memory. But my one good thing is how she can turn something so hard into something so beautiful. Kids are amazing. Liv is truly amazing.

one good thing...or five

Who knew that five fluffy little bodies could bring such joy and giggles back into this house? If it only lasts an hour (which it won't - it will last much longer), it will be worth it. The kids are overjoyed to have our little buff orpington chicks home. We have sat gazing at them for hours today. I wish that Jeff could see how the chicks light up Liv's little face. She is like a little mother hen....extremely protective. She has become the 'ruler of the chickens'. She wants to sleep next to the chicken box. They are extremely cute.

I dream of Jeffrey

I had a dream of Jeff last night. He had left a message on my cellphone singing me the song we had danced to at our wedding ('Into the Mystic' by Van Morrison). At the end, he told me that he didn't have much time and to call him back as soon as I could.

He met me at some farm somewhere. He told me he had been fishing. I was laughing and crying and holding him. I was telling him that I had thought he was dead and had had a funeral for him and Oh! how I had missed him. He held me and laughed while I buried my face in his chest. I held him and hugged him and I swear I could smell him. I was so happy.

It was amazing and wonderful. I didn't want to let him go.

Then...I woke up....the world came down crashing again. Olivia was having one of her recent nightmares and was crying out for me. For a moment, I was so happy thinking what a wonderful mistake it had all been....Then, I remembered. It was just so real. I hope I have another dream like that of him soon.

I'm going to call my dream my one good thing today. I can't find much else. I feel so alone without him. There are so many things I want to tell him.

chickens & soap

We had a bit of a better day. I am trying to find one good thing each day. Today it was chicks. Liv asked me to get her some birdseed to fill the feeder she and Jeff had made a week before he died. I stopped at the local feed store and found these little ones. People walking by must have thought I was deranged....I watched them laughing with tears streaming down my face for a good twenty minutes. I'd laugh because they were so funny falling asleep where they stood. Then cry thinking of the chicken coop plans that Jeff had made sitting in his workshop. Laugh at their jostling for heat under the lamp. Cry thinking that Liv was so excited to get chickens and now we weren't. Laugh as they gobbled up their chick food. Cry because I am so sad about everything. Laugh because I knew Jeff would want me to. Cry. Laugh. Cry. Laugh. Anyhow, I ended up ordering four Buff Orpington chicks. I decided that we need something to look forward to around here.

Also, I embarassed myself at the bank today. I think it's a bit funny but at the same time, I am sure it's odd. I am paraphrasing the conversation here:

Bank lady (who now knows who I am because of my grief stricken arrival a few days after Jeff's death): "How are you?......"

Me: "Okay. I can't use the soap."

Bank lady: "What?"

Me: "I can't use the soap because I know that Jeff was the last one to touch it and I don't want to wash him off."

Bank lady: "Oh."

Me: "Sorry, that was weird. I just told the bank lady something weird."

Bank lady: "That's okay."

Me: *shuffles away feeling like a moron*

Anyhow, I have had a few tears today but not as many as yesterday. I know this is going to take awhile but one breath at a time, right?

P.S. I do use some soap. Just not the one Jeff last used. I don't want you to think I'm gross.